I don't much like being made to feel that I have to be different than I am for the sake of someone else's sensibilities.

I'm not really referring to anything or anyone in particular, although this does seem to be a recurring theme lately. But I've felt this way for quite a while now. Years really. It seems that just recently I've started to find the words to express it and give it some sort of form in my mind.

I try pretty hard to be accepting of other people and understand them for who they are. I like to think I don't get caught up in the trivial parts of a person. I try to see past the minor foibles and see their hearts, if I can.

I'm actually kind of proud of this part of me. I don't expect a cookie for it, but I like being that way all the same. If you come around me, you can be relatively certain that you'll get a fair shake from me. If you say or do something that might be off-putting, I'm not gonna hold it against you for the rest of the time I know you. I like to see the good parts of a person. I find it interesting to do a little interpersonal work and discover what a person really means. It makes me feel good. Not just about myself. It makes me feel good about other people too.

I think this is why I stopped going to church. There's a lot of pressure to act a certain way for the sake of someone else's sensibilities. Of course, the church would claim that this social pressure to conform is because God wants us to be better people or some variation of that theme. If I had to guess, I would say a churched person would say it's moral conviction, not peer pressure. But I think it's poppycock. I call bullshit.

Most church people will never admit it because they have too much invested in their self-images to admit it. But church is the place where good people go to make their last stand against God. We don't go to church because we really see value in it, or we find God there. Most people go to church because they want to be able to see themselves as good people. If I'm a good person, then I should act like a good person. And what are some of the things that a good person does? Why, a good person goes to church!

Our need to identify ourselves as good is so strong that when we see someone else being not-good, it causes us anxiety. Only for the simple reason that you remind me of who I am - and I've never come to grips with that person. So you have to change! You can't say that! That joke is inappropriate! I'm offended by that comment! Don't dress that way! Don't listen to that song! Don't read that book! Don't don't DON'T DON'T DON'T!!!!!!

I don't want to pick on churches. We all do it to one degree or another. Churches just have a concentration of people who do this. We've made a deal at church that if you don't say anything, I won't say anything and we can all go on telling ourselves we're good.

But I am who I am. I like who I am, and I like most of the decisions I make. I try to fix the decisions I don't like. God's grace is strong and evident in my life, and I am content.

So, if you don't like something I say or something I do . . .
If you don't like what I watch or what I listen to . . .
If you don't like my sense of humor or my sense of style . . .

That's ok.

I'm ok with you not liking it. I can still love you and be your friend if you don't like things about me. But I would ask you to do one thing. Take a moment - for once in your solipsistic existence - and examine yourself and your own motivations. Ask yourself, "Why is what he/she said/did/wore/watched/enjoyed causing me such anxiety? Why does their life cause me problems when it's impact on me is so negligible?"

It's a hard question you might be not want to answer. But I think you'll be a better person for it if you do. I personally have come to the conclusion that we're all fucked up people, so I need to lighten up and just cut people some slack. Actually, a lot of slack. Because as fucked up as I can be, I need to have forbearance in equal measure.